Everything was going according to plan. We were married, careers were going great and we were thinking about the future and growing a family, you know, rainbows and sunshine. This story is obviously not rainbows and sunshine, and you might be wondering why I’m even sharing my miscarriage story at all. The truth is I can’t tell you how many times I’ve written, re-written and deleted this from my computer–too many to count over the past year. My intention in writing this post is not for sympathy or to bring you down, and it surely will have a different tone than the rest of my posts, but I’m sharing this story because it’s real and important. It happened, and I’m not going to pretend that it hasn’t changed me. I made a vow to never forget.

My story is important to share because after the miscarriage I found only a handful of women’s stories online and I took so much comfort in reading about their experiences. I had no personal friends who had experienced this at the time, so the stories I found online made me feel less alone in the grieving process. I’m sharing my miscarriage story in hopes that this brings comfort of some kind to women who might be walking through this journey and feels alone. But I also hope that for those who have never had a miscarriage, I hope that this post brings empathy and understanding so when a friend needs you, you can be there. That was one of the hardest parts of this process-needing to feel a sense of understanding from someone who had been there before me.

The beginning.

It was so exciting, the world felt somehow new again. After deciding we were going to “try”, we were pregnant a month later. Everything we had ever wanted seemed to be falling into place. We both were just in shock that it happened so quickly. The excitement was oozing out of us. We wanted to tell the world. Then the morning sickness began and I thought that was the worst thing that I would have to endure. I was sick all day long. I couldn’t eat anything, nor keep anything down. I could sniff out the smallest amount of garlic and would be sick instantly. This made me sad, because I love garlic and I was hungry, so so hungry.

Days went by and we were on cloud nine. Will it be a boy or a girl? OMG, what if we have twins? Oh my gosh, we need to move into a different house! We started planning our lives around our magical gift. Drs. appointments were made and rescheduled and made again thanks to a new insurance policy. I was worried about not getting in right away, but was told by the Drs. and friends they don’t usually want to see you until you’re at least 7-9 weeks so I was good. I found out I was pregnant so soon because I was tracking my cycle. I believe I was 5 weeks pregnant when I found out, it felt like I was already pregnant forever. I think the secret made it feel longer.

The middle.

We finally told close family the news.

With all of the rescheduling of Drs. appointments and a new insurance plan, I finally found all of the best doctors in the city that had so many great recommendations. By the time we were going to get into the appointment, I was going to be 12 weeks pregnant. I was again reassured that it was fine and totally within the normal range of time.

Finally our appointment came. We couldn’t wait to hear the heartbeat. On the way to the appointment, we caved and called some of my husbands friends and told them the news. Although, we aren’t people who think that you have to wait to tell people you are pregnant, because honestly anything can happen at any stage of your pregnancy, it was more that we needed it to be documented proof that it was real. So far we had just seen pregnancy tests with pink lines. We wanted to see a baby and hear a heartbeat.

So there we were, I was 12 weeks pregnant and we were as excited as ever to finally hear our baby’s heartbeat. We were so ready for something fun, as I had the worst morning sickness and all I could do was barely go to work each day. Camera ready, we were all laughs and smiles and excited to see our baby. We were so hopeful.  

And then the silence.

The silence swallowed us up. Somehow my heart knew before my brain and I just stared into the silent monitor. We heard the words, and we both just stared. Then it hit me all at once, I just started crying and saying I was sorry, over and over. I wanted to erase the pain and disappointment. Even though I knew it wasn’t my fault, in that moment it was. I felt it all. I took on all the possible blame. The thing is, I WAS sorry. I felt immense sadness for my husband, for myself, for our family, for our baby. I remember my husband asking the nurse midwife, “Are you sure? ” and that broke me.

I was so confused. I had no signs of miscarriage. No bleeding, no cramping, no blood. Maybe she was wrong? So many questions and emotions rushed through my mind in a matter of seconds. Our hearts broke into a million little pieces and in that moment, we were changed forever. I was changed forever.

I was 12 weeks pregnant and the baby was only measuring 9 weeks. The heart had stopped at some point around that time. My body for whatever reason did not recognize the miscarriage, hence the lack of blood or passing of the baby in a traditional sense. And because of that, my Dr recommended a D&C. This broke my heart even more. I immediately rejected that idea. I couldn’t do it. I knew that was the same procedure that women have for abortions and I couldn’t get that out of my mind. For some reason, this made it feel even worse. I can’t explain why this stuck out to me, it just did. I so desperately wanted this pregnancy and it was being forcibly taken away from me.

I only had days to make a decision. It wasn’t likely that my body was going to kick in and pass the baby naturally as I had no signs of a miscarriage in the first place and the Dr. told my husband that if things finally took course, I would most likely end up in the ER and need a blood transfusion from loss of blood. This scared him and we ultimately made the decision to have the D&C. But in the days that passed before the appointment, I prayed that my body would take care of things naturally, even if that meant I needed a blood transfusion or a trip to the ER, I really didn’t care.

The end.

The day came for the D&C. I’ve never had a car ride with my husband where we both didn’t talk. It was like we were both on autopilot. I thought if the nervousness I felt was anything like that of a woman who had a scheduled c-section or induction. But as soon as that thought popped into my mind, tears just started to flow. We were going in a family of 3, and leaving just the two of us.

The care I received was everything you could have hoped for. All the Doctors and nurses were absolutely sweet and kind, and very empathetic. I was so anxious. Before they wheeled me into the operating room, I started hyperventilating and crying. This was it. This was the end of this pregnancy. I didn’t want it to be over.

The after.

Miscarriage is a strange thing to walk through. As soon as you have one, you are told that miscarriage is so common, yet so few women talk about it. And it’s true, 1 in 4 women experience a miscarriage, and 1 in 25 experience two miscarriages. That’s a lot of women going through this experience alone.

Miscarriage is unlike most any other loss. With a death of a loved one, people expect you to be upset. You are expected to grieve and talk about it. Friends and family ask you how you are doing etc. With a miscarriage, people tend to act like nothing happened, or get highly uncomfortable when you bring it up. Or they try and thank goodness they try, but even still, it shouldn’t be so hard. The truth is, I don’t know how women go on without talking about it. It is already such an isolating feeling. I have one of the most supportive husbands on the planet, and I still felt alone.

One of my biggest fears was that this child would be forgotten. We can’t really go back to the before, so how could we ever forget?

The future.

All I know, is that when our baby does arrive earthside, she will be so cherished and loved. Whenever the time is, I know that it will happen. We remain faithful, and excited about the future despite going through this loss.

If you have experienced miscarriage, I hope that this post leaves you feeling a little less alone. All of your feelings are valid and you’re allowed to cry and care and wish it didn’t happen. You’re allowed to wonder why and you’re allowed to love something that you only had for such a short amount of time. We all grieve differently and finally sharing my story has me feeling somewhat lighter. My hope for you is that you find peace and the courage to try again.

Please share this post with anyone who may need it. I encourage comments so that we can support each other creating a community of support and understanding.

 

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